Me, You and a Hobbit Named Sue
by JingleBelle
Summary: This is a parody of all those lovely Sue stories. Finished. Now includes Return of the King
1. The Fellowship of the Ring

Well, this is my first LOTR fic, and while I have not graduated from OFUM I really appreciate Miss Cam and all she's doing. And, might I add, the PPC. You guys rock. Anyway, Mary Sue makes my blood curdle, but somehow I just couldn't let her go without writing a Spoof about her. It was WAY too tempting. So, should this story resemble your own, fear not, I'm not spoofing you, just Mary Sue's in general. And go check out OFUM and the PPC.

The Lord of the Rings Characters belong to Tolkein, Mary Sue belongs to everyone. The peculiarities of the plot are my own. 

Enjoy!

******

Me, You and a Hobbit Named Sue

Being the First Part of **The Saga of the Sues**

The Fellowship of the Rings

"Aaahhh!" A small shape flew through the tiny room the hobbits were sharing in The Prancing Pony. Strider caught the noisy bundle, planning to set it out of harm's way. It squealed and demanded to be, "Put down at once!" in an imperial tone. The bundle turned out to be a small Hobbit maid. 

"Who in Middle Earth are you?" Frodo asked. 

"Oh." She stopped glaring up at Strider and looked Frodo full in the face. Immediately she fell head over heels in love. After all, she had a thing for big blue eyes. And Frodo's were, as we all know, exceptionally big and blue. And at times in the near future would completely dominate his gasping face. But that's later. Back to the current story.

"My name is Sue." She said, holding out her hand to shake Frodo's. "Merri Sue. My father is the King of all the Hobbits in the Shire. Who are YOU?"

"Um, I don't remember any King in the Shire do you Pip?" Merry whispered. 

But Pippin's eyes were already looking slightly glazed. It only took a couple more seconds for Merry to follow his cousin into painless oblivion. One look into Sue's eyes and Frodo was a goner. Sam, good old Sam, being naturally suspicious of anything that might even inadvertently harm his master, managed to keep a finger hold on reality. But just barely. There was a small POP and Strider vanished, as he was not part of Merri Sue's plan at all. So much for the Return of the King.

This is, of course, a prime example of a Mary Sue not only interrupting the order of the story, but also completely changing the entire politics and history of Middle Earth. Oh wouldn't Lord Elrond cringe? But without Strider I guess nine is still the number of your counting. 

"And you are?" Merri Sue prompted again.

"Why I'm Frodo Baggins," Frodo murmured. Wait, wasn't he supposed to be going by Underhill? Well, no matter. What could possibly be dangerous about telling such a cute little Hobbit maid his real name? After all, she was the Crown Princess. Even though the very words "Crown Princess" seemed to strike a small alarm in the back of his mind. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her eyes were of starry violet her hair a bright curly blond the likes of which had never been seen in the Shire before. And she had the most beautiful feet. She was dressed in a long flowing sparkly dress that just allowed her furry feet to peep out and a large and rather gaudy tiara of Mithril and diamonds crowned her curly tresses. 

"Baggins" She was muttering. "Now where have I heard that name before..? Oh yes. I believe there's a warrant out for your arrest. Yes, I saw it posted just the other day. Why," She said in surprise, "you're a wanted criminal! You stole something didn't you? Oh what was it?" She tapped her foot impatiently until the answer materialized in her tiny Mary Sue brain. "Something about jewelry? Are you a jewel thief?"

Frodo flushed tried to look the other way, but Mary Sue's eyes held his. "Give it to me." She said. "I want it."

"NO!" The One Ring gave an ear-piercing squeal and tried to dodge Frodo's fingers as he reached for it. "Keep her away from me!" It wailed piteously. "Even _I_ can't stand the power of a Mary Sue. It's...it's...it's just too hideous for words!" 

Frodo seemed to come out of his daze long enough to stop his fingers from grasping the One Ring. There was a sigh of relief from his pocket. Resisting mightily, Frodo decided to tell Merri Sue the entire story instead. All of it, starting with Isildur and listing as many of the names and dates from history as he could remember. Sue of course had never read the books but only seen the movie. Albeit several times. Once Sam caught on, he too supplied all the facts he could remember, along with a few he made up. The Sue's hold on them seemed to shrink just a little as her eyes started to glaze. Everyone breathed a little easier. 

Unfortunately, Sue was made of stronger stuff than Frodo had anticipated. While he stopped for breath she bounced back and once again took control of the situation. 

"I will go with you to Rivendell," she said. "We will destroy the Ring together." 

And that, it seemed, was that.

Unfortunately Sue then remembered why she had come shrieking into their room in the first place. She settled herself and began to speak as fast as a teenager on a sugar high. "OhmygoodnessIcameinheretohidebecausethere'sthesescarrylookingguysorblackhorsesinthetownandthey werecommingrightfoemesoIraninheretohide!!!" The once brash Sue had become timid and tried to jump into Frodo's arms. As his eyes were glazed and he was in his happy place he didn't notice and Sue fell flat on the ground. Not to be deterred she wailed, "Ohpleaseprotectmefromthem!!!"

Sam fuzzily wondered if maybe they shouldn't be trying to protect the ring wraiths from Sue instead, but then she started talking again and all possibility for coherent thought was lost.

Once again she took hold of the situation and imperiously demanded that they, "Get out of town." 

Immediately they appeared on Weathertop and before long the Nazgul were upon them. 

"Well you all have swords don't you?" Sue screeched. "Then protect me! I'm your Crown Princess!"

Immediately swords appeared around each Hobbit's waist (after all they hadn't visited the barrow wights or Strider so where could they have gotten them?), momentarily weighing them down for they were long swords usually used by men, rather then long knives, which usually served Hobbits as swords. They were still trying to get them up in the air when the one of the Nine stabbed Frodo. He went down and Sue, easily picking up one of the long swords in one hand, gave a war cry and waded into the fray. She hadn't seen Frodo get stabbed. 

Sobbing, Sam threw himself on his dying master and generally got in the way. Once the Sue had given her war cry the Nazgul ran off in fear (as well they should have), so she returned, not having broken a sweat of course, to find poor Frodo gasping like a fish out of water, and his eyes swallowing up his face. She grabbed Sam by the collar and shoved him out of the way so she could fall, sobbing, on Frodo's chest. Murmuring her undying love for him, she wept all over the wound, while the other three Hobbits tried not to get sick to their stomachs. 

Before long Frodo began to sit up, confused. He knew his shoulder should hut like the mad, but it didn't and for some reason he was all wet. Naturally the Sue's tears had healing powers. A la Star Wars and Harry Potter crossover. Not to mention blatant Sueness. Maybe Sue was a cross between a Hobbit, a Phoenix and whatever Vergere was. It might have been nice to see Sue go up in flames, but the very idea that she could be reborn over and over again was rather unsettling. Not to mention that the Force might be with her. *Shudder*

Before long the five of them were once again on their way to Rivendell, Sue perched on Bill the Pony's back, with Frodo holding the bridle, making sure to steer the poor pony clear of any uneven ground.

******

Once the group reached Rivendell the council began. But not before Sue instructed Elrond to check Frodo's shoulder. She wasn't sure that she had healed it very well. Elrond did so, and humbly declared that she had done what he could not and begged her for her healing secrets. She just coyly smiled and protested that it was a family secret that she could not divulge. From then on Elrond followed her around like a puppy hoping she would drop a secret or two. 

Sue called the council herself and gave the opening remarks, before allowing Elrond to take over for her as she was feeling faint from lack of mushrooms. Elrond clapped his hands and Arwen appeared with a large platter of mushrooms in hand. She knelt to offer them to Sue, and Frodo, concerned at Sue's weakness, decided to feed her himself, and let her lean up against him. 

Before long everyone was arguing up a storm. Gimli busted up his favorite ax trying to destroy the One Ring and Gandalf sat meekly by while Sue calmed everyone down with one well placed smile in the Argument's general direction. It fled in terror. Everyone dutifully turned to look at Sue. But before she could proclaim in a longsuffering voice that she, Merri Sue, Crown Princess of the Shire and obviously the cutest thing ever to grace Middle Earth would throw the One Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom and thereby save the Universe, Frodo spoke up loudly claiming that he had carry the ring this far, so he would carry it all the way. Sue just smiled a cracked sort of smile and vowed to help support Frodo on his journey. 

This was not quite going according to her plan. So she just smiled her sickly sweet smile and effused cute spunkiness into the air until she had everyone under control again. She then hand picked Legolas and was looking around for Aragorn. Suddenly there was a loud POP and Aragorn appeared in the midst of everyone looking quite confused. Sue just smiled and continued pointing out various "elfs" that were very good looking to accompany them on their way. She noticeably did not include any of the Dwarves though she did pick Boromir. Personally I think it's just 'cause she wanted someone to torture so she could look like a victim when they retaliated.

Elrond was smiling on the whole assemblage with a vacant look on his face. After a while he shook himself and gained enough consciousness to realize that Sue was tearing apart their very reality and took things in hand long enough to make sure all of the right characters made it into the Fellowship. The Other Hobbits (this is how Sue sees them) made their appearance and looking slightly disgruntled as always, Elrond declared them the Fellowship of the Ring (hence the nifty title). 

"Nine." He said and then frowned. "No. Ten." He looked confused and did a quick head count just to be sure. "But there are only nine walkers..." he muttered to himself. "Nine walkers and nine riders. This isn't balanced. Not balanced at all..." He wandered off muttering to himself.

******

The ten members of the Fellowship made their way over the river and through the woods (to grandmother's house we go!) before stopping to rest on the top of an anonymous hill. Sue sat with Frodo, and made him "second lunch" as she called it. After all he had to keep up his strength. Sam was off in the distance, Merry and Pippin were playing swash-buckling pirates with Boromir and Aragorn. Legolas was watching the sky and occasionally turning a wandering eye on Sue. Gimli sat alone grumbling to himself and Gandalf smoked, lost in thought. Since Legolas' eyes were frequently wandering to gaze on Sue, it was herself who noticed that the birds were coming. She cried out a warning and made sure to push Frodo out of sight under an overhang, while she trampled out the little fire she had going. Of course she burned her feet in the process and had to be carried to Moria. 

Holding on to Frodo's shoulders all the way up the mountain (as though he didn't already have enough of a burden) Sue found her eyes strayed often to the light chain around Frodo's neck. The little chain that held the Ring. She looked at it thoughtfully. She had been having odd dreams about towers, great glowing red eyes and world domination. In her dreams she saw herself making everything right in Middle Earth. The flowers bloomed, little birds came to rest on her fingers. Squirrels and rabbits ate out of her hands. And she and Frodo's children played not to far away. They were beautiful little Hobbit boys and girls. 

The Ring concentrated very hard and a large chunk of snow fell off the side of the mountain and landed on Sue's head, knocking her tiara askew and knocking herself out of Fantasyland. 

The rest of the First movie pretty much went according to plan. Sue's plan that is. Once in the mountains, she out chanted Saruman. She suggested they go through Moria specifically so she could be attacked by the Watcher and Frodo and Legolas could save her. She bestowed a kiss on both. She managed to lead everyone through the mines and even Gimli and gave a strangled remark on her good direction. Sue of course brushed all the praise off modestly. 

Eventually they fought the cave trolls, Gandalf went over the edge with the balrog and Sue, dry eyed, comforted the others. She led them through the forest and was they only one who wasn't captured by the elves and taken to Galadriel. She showed up on the scene later and had a heart to heart with the Lady of the Forrest, who let her look into her mirror. Sue refuses to tell anyone what she saw, though she implies that it is her own death, some undeterminable time in the future. 

There is a long soliloquy about the gifts everyone is given including several paragraphs devoted to Sue's gift, a lute that she can ply that will lift the hearts of others when they hear it combined with her lovely voice. She serenaded them that night. The next day the company moved down the river and camped in the woods. Tempers here high, orcs had been spotted and many things happened at once. During the fighting Sue had a moment of confusion. You see she knew that she loved both Frodo and Legolas, possibly equally. This was a quandary. Even Sue, with all of her powers, could not be in two different places at once. So she tossed a coin and decided to follow Frodo. 

She had a dramatic near drowning scene because, well, near drownings are always romantic. And because Sam and Frodo were paddling as fast as they could in a vain attempt to loose her. No such luck. So The Fellowship of the Ring: According to Sue ended, with two damp and bedraggled looking hobbits gazing not in the distance, but at the glorious vision of the faultless Hobbit maid as she strode off before them. 

******

Well, there it is. Tell me what you think. 


	2. The Two Towers

Well, here is some more for all of you who liked the first part. A big thank you to the Council Of Elrond for archiving the first part! Go check out their lovely site.

We continue our story several days after we last left off. 

******

Gollum followed our *coughgagcough* three brave heroes through Random Wilderness and Sue put up with him for a time, but before long he was rather creeping her out with all of those conversations with himself. That and she was sure that he was plotting with the Ring to get rid of her. What she didn't realize was that Sam and Frodo were in on it too. The anti-Sue plotting would have gone a lot faster if she hadn't been playing her darn lute all of the time. It confused Sam and Frodo enough that they walked into each other a lot. And almost over a few cliffs. Gollum writhed in pain every time he heard her voice, and she distressed the Ring so much that is took refuge in a large ball of lint in Frodo's pocket and tried it's best to stay away from her. The singing really was bad enough, it figured, but the looks she was giving it when she thought no one was looking made the poor Ring wish it could grow legs and run away. She did fall in once when she was looking at the Ring, and Frodo had to save her. She was making such a racket that he had no other choice. She was attracting Nazgul on Wings (rather like Disney on Ice, but more... morbid). 

She gets them through the Dead Marshes without mishap. Though Sam finds that she steers him through a lot of puddles. Gollum leads the way out and they gaze at the towering walls of Mordor. Sue gazed up at the high walls of Mordor from a small ridge, and the Hobbits are unable to tear their gazes away from her as she stands silhouetted against the setting sun, which turns her hair to spun gold, and shows off her excellent figure. Before anyone can say anything sappy, a troop of heavily armored solders tramps through the gate and everyone realizes that getting into Mordor that way is fruitless. Sue voices it just in case no one had figured it out yet. Gollum argued that no one said anything about getting into Mordor, they just wanted to see the gate. So there. He linged at Sue trying to make her jump, but she glared him down. 

She leaned close to Frodo, eyed the Ring, and began to sing softly. Frodo quickly backed away... and slid down the hill. Horrified at his carelessness, he is, after all the ring bearer, Sue tore down the hill after him and threw her cloak over the two of them. There were sounds of scuffling coming from underneath, and Sam and even Gollum rushed down to save Frodo from a fate worse than death. The Kiss of Sue. They pulled the cloak off to find Frodo frantically pushing Sue away from him, his face flushed and covered with lipstick kisses. His eyes were huge. Sue looked miffed that her impromptu make out session had been interrupted, but secretly, inside, she was thrilled. She had the Ring in her possession. 

It only took Frodo a second to realize that it was missing, demand that it be given back, and have it returned. Sue had the nerve to look confused and wonder how it had gotten into her pocket. 

Once everyone had calmed down, they made plans to find another way into Mordor. Gollum mentioned an alternate route and it was agreed on. He led them to the South, and when they stopped for the night Sue cooked for them. It was delicious of course. Sam recited poetry about the Oliphaunt and Sue recited a thinly veiled and badly written epic poem of a great love story between a brave blue eyed Hobbit, and a lovely golden haired Hobbit Maid whose love stood the test of time. Though both died in battle attempting to save the other, they met up in the end in the Undying Lands. This sickened everyone enough that they decided lute playing might kill them they had all had enough of Sue and promptly pretended to fall asleep. 

******

They awoke the next morning in the middle of a battle and Sue thought at once that her grand epic poem was coming true. Then she locked eyes with Faramir and she was a goner. Faramir tried very hard not to be overcome by the lovely Hobbit maid with the gaudy tiara, but he couldn't seem to help himself. He collected all three Hobbits and Gollum and took them to his cave. Sue explained their mission as best she could without giving away the part about the Ring, and then she and Faramir settled down to discuss strategy. Sue was an excellent plotter of strategy. After all, hadn't she plotted the whole journey so far? Gollum tried to escape and drown himself in the Forbidden Pool when she started struming her lute once again. He figured that if that didn't work someone might shoot him and put him out of his misery. Forbidden pools aren't named forbidden pools for nothing you know. 

Sue was all for getting rid of Gollum, he was really creeping her out lately, but when Frodo tried to throw himself in after Gollum (Gollum had a good idea. Frodo could kill two birds with one stone. He could get away from Sue and he wouldn't have to carry on with his endless quest either) she pulled him back and demanded that if Frodo was so attached to his creepy servant, then Gollum really should be spared. everyone applauded her goodness. 

Faramir resisted Sue's advances and got out of Dodge, er, Gondor, as fast as he could. Having seen Faramir's map and heard Gollum's explaination of how to get into Mordor, Sue figured that Gollum really was not needed anymore. Since Faramir and all of his yummy men had left in the night there was no need to stay in the cave a minute longer. The sooner the quest was over, the sooner Sue could convince Frodo to marry her and they could live happily ever after in her father's palace. The old geezer was due to kick the bucket any time now and she and Frodo would rule as King and Queen of the Shire. So, Sue kicked Gollum out. He ambled off, looking nothing like the walking dead man she assumed him to be and once he got around a corner where she couldn't see him anymore, he did a little jig. Rather than looking happy about the departure of his least favorite person, Sam watched him walk off with something akin to envy written on his face. 

With the loss of their guide, Sam and Frodo couldn't help but wonder how the three of them could possibly make it to Mordor without Gollum, as none of them had ever been there before. But, never fear, Sue is here! It turns out that she has second sight and is an unerring judge of direction.

We end with Sue and Company striding purposefully through Random Wilderness on their way to Mordor, though out of the Corner of her eyes she sees the Ring glinting seductively from under Frodo's shirt. 

Thus ends **The Two Towers: According to Sue**

******

Unfortunately, I have no idea how Peter Jackson will finish off his last movie, so, until Return of the King comes out, I have no idea what Sue will do. This story will be updated in December. But I _am_ thinking of doing a story for Legolas and possibly Aragorn. If you have any suggestions, tell, tell, tell. I appreciate all the feedback I can get. 

Oh. And flames will, of course, be used to makes smores. Pass the Gram crackers please.


	3. The Return of the King

''Sue led Sam and Frodo across Gondor to the Stairs. And looked up at them warily. She had never been fond of heights. But, she mused, if it could be done in the movie, she could handle it. But really, shouldn't stairs look more like stairs and less like a ladder? She asked herself. And what would be even better, she mused, was an escalator. Yes, that ought to do nicely. She waved her hand and it was so. A huge escalator leading into Mordor. Nothing but the most obvious for ''Sue. Frodo and Sam were now so under her spell that the appearance of an escalator was not even surprising. They obediently stepped on.

Having thus cut the time it took to get into Mordor by five, the threesome reached Shelob in record time. ''Sue did not like the look of the cave at all. As a matter of fact, she had left for a bathroom break in the movie theatre at about this time and ended up flirting with the boy who ran the popcorn machine in the lobby for ten minutes and therefore completely missed the part about everyone's favorite giant spider. 

Shelob was quite a shock. 

Not even ''Sue's sunny personality could put Shelob off when she was looking for a meal. And she was always hungry.

And no meat as fresher than ''Sue's. She even smelled all flowery. Because, of course, she didn't sweat.

As ''Sue ran screaming through Shelob's Lair, her control over Sam and Frodo diminished. They were once again free Hobbits. They hurried through the cave, having been through it many times before in various fanfictions since the movie was released. ''Sue's screaming and Shelob's clicking feet was like sweet music to the Hobbits ears. Sam even began to whistle as they left the cave and Frodo had never felt his burden feel so light. 

Let the Author now stop to say that Hobbits are good sorts of creatures, which is partially why we like them so much. Therefore Frodo's conscious got the better of him. He couldn't just stand idly by and let ''Sue get turned into an empty husk left to decorate the halls of Shelob's lair. Sam of course was against it all the way, but what his master said, went. It should also be mentioned that ''Sue's powers were strong and Frodo may still have been under the lingering effects of them.

He and Sam waited until Shelob had ''Sue down for the count and wrapped up like a mummy before chasing the giant spider off and carrying ''Sue's bound body to a corridor that was frequented by Orc patrols. 

It might be said that they were not entirely gentle with her. 

OK, so they dropped her and fled, but can you really blame them? 

The Orcs happened upon her an hour or so later and dragged her up to their tower. They were busy pouring over her strange _mithril_ long underwear that no one knew she possessed, when she woke up. 

She studied the Orcs for a few seconds before remarking, "You know, a good dentist could fix those teeth of yours."

The Orcs turned in surprise. Shelob's poison had worn off remarkably fast. 

"And," she continued, "some curtains would do this place a world of good. They would be just the homey touch this place needs. And maybe a plant or two. I bet that window gets good light, maybe a spider plant would do. Yes," she bit her pouty lower lip, "that would look remarkably well."

The Orcs grinned malevolently at each other.

''Sue frowned. She had been effusing cute spunkiness into the air since she woke up, but it didn't seem to be working on the Orcs. 

Thankfully they are immune to her charms. 

Unfortunately they didn't have time to kill her. 

Hormones travel fast in Mordor and before the Orcs knew what had hit them they were all skewered on Sting. Sam was there with his sword too, but ''Sue had a weaker hold on him than she did on Frodo. He managed to run himself into a corner where his sword became useless. 

******

Our *coughgagcough* _three_ brave Hobbits strode boldly through Mordor in their own garments. No filthy Orc clothes for them, no siree. Even ''Sue couldn't look cute and spunky in Orc armor. No, she had to look cool, calm, collected and desirable at all times. Orcish armor just wouldn't cut it. 

The Eye of Sauron, looking for all the world like a giant lighthouse, focused it glaring orange beam on the three travelers. Frodo and Sam promptly fell on their faces in an attempt to be overlooked. If Sauron was in a fireball throwing mood he might miss them and hit ''Sue instead. One could always hope. 

''Sue looked up at the great Eye and tapped her foot lightly, "You know, you should try some Visine," she suggested perkily.

Sauron recoiled. At least as much as a flaming red eye ensconced in a tower can recoil. At once he had a terrible vision. The tiny hobbit maid clothed all in black, having become an !Evil! !Warrior! ''Sue. (Please excuse the punctuation. I just couldn't help myself) She had sent Sauron off to the eye doctor, two giant trolls rolling the flaming red eye down the hill, while she hollered after him to try Lasek while he was at it. In the background there was a tall black tower in the final stages of construction, and it dwarfed his own. It was humiliating. And the Ring gleamed sorrowfully at him from it place on the chain around her neck. Had It had a head, It would have been shaking it at him sadly. 

Sauron decided that maybe, just this once, he would let the Hobbits make it to Mount Doom without any interference. Surely death was a better option than being ordered around by and !Evil! !Warrior! ''Sue for the rest of his long life. He resolutely turned his eye away and let them pass. 

******

After a long crawl up the side of Mount Doom to the Doorway, during which ''Sue managed to stay spotless, Frodo staggered towards the edge of a cliff over looking rivers of lava (What is it with this movie and cliffs anyway?). He was about to throw the Ring in. It had been begging for him to do so for the last hour. It could feel that it was approaching freedom. Even being melted down into nothing was better than being possessed by ''Sue. The Ring had even gone so far as to whisper encouragement to Frodo all they way up the side of the volcano. 

Gollum had reappeared, his desire for the Precious so great that even thoughts of ''Sue could not dissuade him from following the threesome all the way across Mordor in order to obtain it. But in the end she was too much for him. He had backed away from her on the ledge, and while his mind raced, attempting to remember why he had come so far and sought the Ring so long, he took one step too many, and fell, a look of surprise on his face, into the rivers of lava.

''Sue wore a look of triumph as she watched him fall. Frodo watched her out of the corner of his eye and when she caught him at it she put on her innocent look and started humming. Good thing too. Frodo was looking as though he wished to follow Gollum to his fiery death. Her humming placed him fully under her control again. 

It is now time for the sappy scene to end all sappy scenes. 

Please brace yourself.

''Sue looked down at her hands, unconsciously grabbing for the Power of the One Ring. Never mind that the Ring had migrated to the back of Frodo's shirt just to get more layers of clothing between itself and her prying fingers. 

"Oh Frodo!" She cried. "I cannot keep myself away from the Ring. It tempts me night and day!"

"I do _not_ tempt her!" Wailed the Ring. "Keep her away from me!"

''Sue ignored this and continued on with her flowery speech. "If I stay I shall endanger our mission. I may even end up killing thee Frodo, even though I love thee with all of my heart. You're my soul Frodo! What would I do without you?"

"I know what _I'd _do without _her_," the Ring mumbled.

''Sue then launched into a soliloquy comparing Frodo's eyes to the brightness of the sky with many references to his strength and valor, before finally coming to the point we've all been waiting for... "Frodo you must kill me and then throw the Ring into Mount Doom." 

"Please!" The ring cried. "End our misery. Just throw me in already so I can get away from her!" 

Knowing that he had no other choice, Frodo pulled out Sting, and with great tears running down his face, held it in front of him, unable to do the deed himself. 'Sue, for once doing something that the readers will cheer her for, threw herself on the sword and died. 

Pity it wasn't quickly. 

Her last words ran on for twenty minutes (They have been omitted in this draft in order to keep the reader from going insane and bighting off their fingers to plug their ears with. Also gouging their eyes out with a spork, which is rather difficult without any fingers. We encourage you not to try this at home).

In brief, her last words declare her undying love for Frodo and her sorrow at her weakness concerning the Ring. Frodo cried a river at her passing, while Sam held him up and pulled him away from 'Sue's body, which shimmered for awhile before dissolving into a mist. A gentle breeze blew the mist past Frodo and the Essence of 'Sue deposited a gentle kiss on his cheek before melting away completely. 

Frodo dissolved into great wracking sobs. He was inconsolable. 'Sue didn't even leave a body behind for him to burry. There will be no grave for him to visit. Even Sam had a tear in his eye and waxed lyrical about 'Sue's gardening and cooking skills. He's sure she will be sorely missed. Yet somewhere, in the back of his mind, he secretly rejoiced. 

Having no more will to possess the Ring -- his beloved's downfall -- Frodo simply tossed it away into the abyss and staggered away. The upheaval that occurred from the Ring's demise was nothing compared to the upheaval occurring in Frodo's heart. 

It may be noted that the ring was screaming gleefully as it melted. There may have been no more towers in it's future, but there was also no more ''Sue. Pity it didn't realize that it would be resurrected over and over again so fan girls everywhere could add their own spin to It's story.

That night the Eagles carried Sam and Frodo from Mordor. Frodo no longer had any tears left, just very large, red rimmed blue eyes. After all, if he was 'Sue's soul she in turn had to have been his. And his soul had just evaporated before his very eyes. 

Rather disconcerting, that.

******

The next morning Frodo woke up, safe and sound in his own bed in Bag End. He could hear Bilbo puttering around in the kitchen and muttering something about Party business, the Sackville Bagginses, and how Lobelia would surely enjoy the teaspoons, all while snickering to himself. The lingering effect of the dream still horrified Frodo, but in the morning light it was fading. It _was_ just a dream he assured himself, and blamed it all on those funny looking mushrooms his cousins gotten him to eat the night before. 

Just to be sure he tiptoed out to the kitchen and asked Bilbo if the Shire had acquired a King.

"Why no my boy." Bilbo said, surprised. "Why do you ask?"

Frodo just shook his head and mumbled something about nightmares. He secretly vowed that he wouldn't eat anything with mushrooms in it ever again. Well, he amended, at least not for several more hours.

******

Ta Da! 

THE END

I fear that there may be more like in the near future though. I hope you enjoyed my little ficlet. And thank you for your reviews. They cheer me. 

JingleBelle


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